STORYLINE

Hungry Boar Breaks Into Second Big Bites Store

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For the second time in as many weeks, cameras have caught a hungry boar breaking into an area Big Bites location, and eating thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. The Lahaina police say they responded to an alarm at 2332 Lahainaluna Road early Saturday, only to find signs of a break-in and a vandalized store. Upon review of the security footage, it was discovered that the burglar was a familiar, but unusual looking boar, making a pig out of himself on the store’s products. Officials say that it is extremely rare for a boar to come so close to the city, and warn the public to stay away, and call the DLNR if they spot the beast.

Nicknamed “Fatback” because of it’s strangely colored hump and bulbous eyes, the animal has become a bit of an online sensation since the release of a video last Monday. The footage shows the beast breaking into the first Big Bites location, and treating the store like a buffet. This latest video has only increased interest, and has some calling the incidents publicity stunts, or even proof of the urban legend of the the Shrig.

Lahaina Police posted a video on their YouTube and Glimpsea pages last week titled-“Big Boar Likes Big Bites”- that showed the boar eating sausage, and later, jerky from a cooler that it had opened with its snout. The video soon had millions of views world wide, with many calling the video some sort of viral campaign, a claim officials vehemently deny.

A police spokesperson says, “I can understand why people would be dubious. The boar looks and acts strangely, and it has now broken into two different locations of the same meat-centric convenience store. However, if this job has taught me anything, it’s that once you think you’ve seen it all, something like this happens and reminds you that you haven’t.”

Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Resources says that it is extremely rare for a boar to wander so close to people, especially on this part of the island. He says that the boar is likely injured, and unable to find food normally due to its deformities, making it extremely dangerous.

“Boar attacks are rare but not unheard of. A family was viciously attacked in the Hana Forest Reserve back in 2025. In that case, several people were hospitalized and the boar was euthanized. However, that was on the opposite end of the island. We just don’t see a lot of boars in the Lahaina area, and I’ve never heard of one breaking into a store, let alone doing it twice. I’ve looked at the security footage, and in my opinion this animal’s deformity has left it unable to fend for itself. Pigs are very smart, and unfortunately this one has started to associate human sounds and smells with food, making it very dangerous. We’re talking about an animal strong enough to break down a door to get what it wants. We are doing everything we can to capture the animal before it causes any further damage or hurts someone seriously.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Big Bites chain, also denies that the videos are a publicity stunt, but says he is conflicted about the break-ins and the boar itself. “There’s no doubt that Fatback has been good for business, but he has ruined over 100 pounds of premium sausage, and eaten $1000 worth of the world’s best jerky so far. He obviously has great taste, but he’s taking meat out of my mouth, and that’s something I just can’t have.”

Abramo has offered a reward to anyone who is able to bag the beast, or facilitate its capture, with the condition that he gets the boar. He says,

“I’m an eye for an eye, and a bite for a bite kind of guy. Anyone who is able to bring me Fatback, alive or dead, will get a free weekly meal at The Chop House for a year. I’m talking about a good meal too, with appetizers and mandatory dessert. You’ll leave stuffed. Part of the reason some Iberian hams are so good is that the pigs eat almost nothing but acorns during the Fall. This gives the meat a distinctive nutty aftertaste. What an animal eats is hugely important to its flavor. In this case, we have an animal who has been living for the past few weeks on some of the best meat and meat snacks in the world. I can’t wait to taste him! Fattened up on the Abramo premium sausage blend, with smoky-salty notes of select jerky…..I can’t stop my mouth from watering to be honest. The DLNR has estimated him to weigh over 300 pounds from the video, but i’d guess he’s closer to 400. That’s a lot of double pork sandwiches to help settle my nerves and stomach.”

STORYLINE

Employee Charged With Eating Thousands In Stolen Cold Cuts Says It Was a Marketing Stunt

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It was one of the most shared stories of 2049, and the talk of Lahaina for months. 22-year-old Nate Acosta was facing felony charges for eating thousands of dollars worth of meat while working at a local Big Bites store. The story not only traveled to the mainland, it made its way around the world. Millions followed the trial, and listened to his mother’s emotional testimony that his medical condition, and the quality of the products sold in the store, made it impossible for Nate to resist eating while at work. The story seemed too strange to be true, and Acosta says there’s a good reason for that; It wasn’t. Less than a month into his sentence, Nate now claims the whole thing was a publicity stunt cooked up by his boss Bob Abramo.

For months his story dominated the headlines. Acosta stood accused of consuming over $12,000 of loose meat, jerky, sausage, and cracklin slushies. Detailed inventory reports showed that pounds of products would go missing whenever he was working. The only thing stranger than the accusations was his defense. Nate claimed to suffer from a rare thyroid condition that made him stick to a meat diet, and the taste and quality of the meat at the Big Bites store was too much for him to resist. His mother testified that he gained almost 100 pounds while working at the store. She talked about his growing obsession with memorizing the store’s inventory, his need to talk incessantly about the quality of Abramo jerky, and how he’d return home with pockets full of sausage or deli meat.

Acosta claimed that once he tasted the candied corn beef bites he was hooked, and unable to stop himself from eating his fill every night. Abramo himself seemed uncharacteristically forgiving, and asked for the court to show leniency before Nates sentencing. However, a lot can change in a few months. Nate now says that the incident was a viral marketing scheme thought up by his boss that got way out of hand, and when Abramo threatened him, and his family, he decided to speak up. “It was never supposed to get this far, ” Acosta says.

“I was approached by Bob a few months before the story was leaked to work out the details. He was going to pay me and my family to follow his script, and go through this trial. He promised that he knew all the judges, and would speak on my behalf. At the very worst I’d get conditional probation. Everything seemed to be working just as planned. We were getting millions of views world-wide, Big Bites stores trended up to the number one tourist attraction on Island Advisor, and everyone wanted to try some of the meat so good, a guy couldn’t help but eat $12,000 worth of it.

Then it went off the rails at my arraignment. They were pursuing felony charges. Immediately, the steaks stopped showing up at my mom’s house and she got burger instead. Bob said that we couldn’t talk anymore, and I better keep my mouth shut if I didn’t want myself, or my loved ones to be part of the next burger delivery. I couldn’t let my parents suffer for my mistake, so I contacted the district attorney. I understand now that Abramo lied. He never made the payments he promised he would, and threatened to grind me up and toss me aside like I was a side of broccoli.”

Officials say they are investigating Acosta’s accusations, and if proven true, Abramo could face serious felony charges himself. They have refused to make a statement as the investigation is ongoing, but leaked documents showing that Acosta’s mother received a $5,000 payment from The Lahaina Zipline Tours, one of Abramo’s holdings, and a delivery of 200 pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend, shortly after the arraignment.

Abramo denies the claims, and says he made the payment and delivered the meat to Nate’s mother because he, “…felt bad that my products were too delicious for the young man to ignore, and figured his family had the same great taste in burgers as Nate.” Bob says Acosta is just angry because he’s not allowed to frequent any Big Bite’s store when he’s released from prison as part of his probation.

“Once you get that taste in your mouth, you can’t go back to lesser meats. I’m not worried about these accusations because anyone who’s eaten one of my many fine products knows the truth. They are so good, you could get hooked. That’s not just opinion. If need be, I am prepared to prove scientifically that my meat is the best you’ll ever have, and irresistible to a certain percentage of the public. As far as Nate’s accusations about ending up in one of our juicy burgers, they’re laughable. I’d never contaminate my perfect burger blend with a troubled liar like him. You’d taste it right away. Stewing is the way to go if want want to break down a tough bit of troubled meat.

I’ve been cooperating fully with investigators, and I’m confident this matter will be resolved soon. Then, Nate can get back to his work in the prison commissary. I just hope nothing happens to him there since he’s put himself in the spotlight again. There’s lots of knives in that kitchen as well as a 50 gallon steam kettle perfect for soups, stews, and liars.”

STORYLINE

Company Unveils Natural Casing Wrapping Paper Just In Time For the Holidays

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There’s good news for everyone with a meat lover or someone who appreciates the unusual on their shopping list this holiday season. A new all-natural alternative to wrapping paper is available for your gifts this year, festive sausage casing sheets. The brainchild of Lahaina meat-mogul “Big” Bob Abramo, the unconventional present wrapping went on sale this morning at all Big Bites locations, as well as the Chop House. Bob says the gift casings are a more ecologically friendly way to package your gifts, and are 100% natural and delicious.

It seems like every year there’s a new “It” gift that everyone is scrambling to buy, but Abramo hopes this year it’s what’s around your present that will get all of the attention. While some may cringe at the idea of decorating a gift for a love one with a product derived from animal intestines, Bob says his casing sheets are the future of gift giving, and are better for the environment than traditional paper.

Brandi Essen, spokesperson for Abramo Holdings says, “Unlike some companies that just go through the motions during the holidays, we continue to chew away at our goals and new innovations. This sustainable wrapping alternative is proof of our hard work, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

“Whether it’s riding at the forefront of tire technology, tackling the hunger problem with innovative outreach programs, or breaking new ground with our 100% natural, grass-fed medical valves and grafting tissues, Abramo Holdings has been a leader in meat-based technologies. Our wrapping casings come in four different colorful patterns, have a shelf life of up to two years, and are as tasty as they are festive.”

Despite Essen’s words many do not share her enthusiasm about the curious Christmas wrapping. Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health says the new product has the potential to be a “holiday horror story.”

“Not to be overly graphic, but we’re talking about wrapping a gift in a product made from pig guts, and sticking it under a tree for several days. You wouldn’t eat a sausage that had been left out that long because common sense would tell you that it’s no good. This is no different. I mean just touching it would be bad enough, but they are encouraging consumers to use the wrapping in meals later on. I know it comes with safe handling guidelines, but if you ask me the risk is not worth the reward in this case. I envision a lot of people running to the bathroom or the hospital this holiday season. If I had one tip for not getting sick this year, it would be to stay far away from Abramo wrapping casings, and just stick to traditional paper.”

Abramo on the other hand is quick to point out that his product follows all food safety guidelines, and comes with strict handling instructions, as well as 12 of his favorite sausage recipes, one for every day of Christmas. Bob says his casing sheets are not only a giant leap forward in food science, but also a big step in green technology.

“With our new casings you can really smell Christmas in the air. We’ve figured out how to “zip” and “unzip” proteins in natural sausage casings to produce sheets like you can with synthetic alternatives, and we only use 100% natural dyes and colorings. Our new gift wrapping has the flexibility of collagen sheets, however one taste lets you know that it isn’t manmade, but comes straight from the belly of a beast. Finally, that family member who always insists on saving the paper from their presents has a good reason to. The truth of the matter is that Americans use over 60 million tons of wrapping paper every year, spending over $8 billion annually. Most of that paper gets thrown away, and that model is unsustainable. Our product aims to take a big bite out of that pile of discarded paper, and you get the bonus of a great tasting sausage at the end. Our present casings are the best thing to happen to gifts, and Christmas dinner in years!”

STORYLINE

Wedding Annoucements: Brandi Essen and Thomas Mencken

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Brandi Essen and Thomas J. Mencken were married on Friday, Jan. 8, 2049 at the beautiful Lahaina Mission. Following the wedding, Brandi and Thomas’ reception at Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores was attended by more than 300 friends, family, and customers. Specially raised suckling piglets were served at each table to help celebrate the island’s most highly anticipated nuptials.

Brandi is the daughter of Robert Abramo and Susan Essen-Abramo of Lahaina.

Brandi was accompanied by her sisters and maids of honor, Olive and Brie Essen. Rosemary “Gravy” Abramo, who is 94 years young and Brandi’s paternal grandmother, was the honorary matron of honor. During the ceremony “Gravy” gave a speech recounting Brandi’s early interest in encased meats, telling those assembled of Brandi’s love of a toy hotdog named “Frank”. She told the giggling crowd that, “She loved that thing so much that we joked she’d get married with Frank in her pocket. I’m happy to say that I was wrong, and a little ashamed to admit that I checked just in case.”

The bridesmaids were Saffron Todd and Clementine Bergeron.

Thomas is the son of Douglas and Becky Mencken of Baltimore. He was accompanied by his two brothers and best men, Finn and Jim Mencken.

The groomsmen were his childhood best friends Sam Leco, Sidney Hammond and Mark Leco.
During the wedding, Nori Cavanagh, Brandi’s aunt, and Polly Philbin, Thomas’s older sister, recited prayers and sang. Madeleine McCutchan, Brandi’s godmother, and Joe Mencken, Thomas’s godfather, presented the couple with a rare Iberian “Manchado de Jabugo” ham. Amy Philbin and Mr. Sprinkles, Thomas’s niece and Brandi’s pet pot-bellied pig, were the flower girl and ring bearer.

Brandi is a graduate of Lahaina High School, Class of 2029, and attended the Culinary Institute of America. She holds a masters carving license from the Abramo Butchery Academy and is the operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC.

Thomas graduated from Baltimore Polytechnic, Class of 2005, and studied evolutionary biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is an associate professor of regulatory food sciences at the University of Maryland, currently on extended sabbatical.

Brandi and Thomas share a lot in common other than their love of industrial-sized freezers. They officially started dating after meeting more than three years ago at the grand opening of Lahaina’s Big Bites store. Thomas plans on moving to Lahaina within the year. Brandi plans on taking some time off to write a book on various knife sharpening techniques.

The bride’s specially made purple allium and crackling bouquet was caught and quickly consumed by her grandmother Gravy. In lieu of flowers, the Chophouse was decorated with a variety of edible arrangements and meat platters. They were enjoyed by guests and customers throughout the event.

The groom’s best men and family chose not to deliver a speech during the reception, instead Brandi’s stepfather Bob Abramo spoke for both families. He told those assembled that he never imagined meeting someone who shared his passion for meat, so he “decided to raise one.” He thanked all the guests and provided everyone attending a year-long pass to the Lahaina Zipline Tours. Raising a toast to the new couples happiness, Bob warned Thomas in jest that he had, “A special meat grinder in the back of the kitchen for men who break my little girl’s heart.”

Brandi and Thomas currently reside in Lahaina with their pig, Mr. Sprinkles. They both love traveling and plan on enjoying their honeymoon, sampling buffets from around the world.

STORYLINE

Man Behind Controversial Shellfish Shooting Petition Speaks Out

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FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired October 5, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and those not lucky enough to live in paradise.

We have a really special episode for you tonight. In just a few minutes, we’ll be discussing the controversial opihi shooting petition with its architect, to learn why he believes it’s important to allow a new way to harvest those delicious little limpets, and a whole lot more.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Lahaina’s Big Bites stores, the big cure for a big hunger. Choose from over 1,000 meats or meat related delicacies. Make your own sausage with one of Big Bites’ onsite grinders, or choose from the biggest collection of jerky in the Pacific. Let the kids grab all the cold cuts they can catch inside the Meat Twister machine, or order a colorful marinated meat arrangement. There’s one perfect for any occasion. Whether you’re planning a special event or just want a snack, stop by a Big Bites store and have a meaty bite of paradise.

We’re also brought to you by Board Entertainment’s hit show, Veil Sale. Now in it’s 8th season. Watch yours truly and my partner John Driscol bid on forgotten packages, abandoned freight, and misplaced luggage. Each bag might hold a treasure or just dirty laundry. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Whether it’s 100 gallons of pig milk, 10,000 electric toothbrushes, or an antique shoe collection, it’s all worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what’s in the next box.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve paid for the bullets and the bandwidth, let me welcome Balen Kiko to the show.

BALEN KIKO, LAHAINA HERITAGE MUSEUM CURATOR: Thank you Randy. It’s a pleasure to be on the show, I’m a big fan.

WILCOX: The pleasure is all mine Balen. Before we discuss the petition would you mind if we talk a bit about your day job?

KIKO: Not al all, it’s your show.

WILCOX: For those who don’t know, Balen is the curator of the Lahaina Heritage Museum.

KIKO: Guilty as charged. My wife and I took over the Museum almost 20 years-ago now.

WILCOX: I have to tell you… and for those of you who haven’t checked the museum out yet, I highly recommend it. I have to tell you that your weapons exhibits, with all the shark teeth is….

KIKO: Leiomano, it’s an old Hawaiian word that means “lei of the shark”.

WILCOX: Whatever they used to call it, I call it awesome! Waving around something like that really sends a message, and it aint, “Would you like to help me finish eating this cake?”

KIKO: [Laughing] I know what you mean. I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a Koa warrior charging at you with a leiomano club over his head. It’d be terrifying, but you know, my youngest daughter loves it. We have a joke around the house that if Oki had her way there’d be leiomano frying pans in every kitchen.

WILCOX: [Laughing] That would put a whole new twist on doing the dishes for sure.

KIKO: Yes it would.

WILCOX: But we didn’t ask you on the show to talk about shark teeth. We invited you because of a petition you’ve started…

KIKO: Oh, you’ve heard about the petition?

WILCOX: [Chuckles] Well, not everyone I know is talking about it, just almost everyone.

KIKO: Yeah, I expected some pushback and discussion, but I didn’t expect it to grow into such a big issue. It seems like everyone not only has an opinion, but a STRONG opinion. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people have said. It’s been an eye-opener for sure.

WILCOX: In case someone has been frozen or stuck inside the veil for the past 2 months, could you explain the petition and what you hope to achieve?

KIKO: Sure, sure. Basically, I want to make it legal to use a firearm to harvest opihi.

WILCOX: For our viewers on the mainland could you explain what opihi are and why shooting them is a good idea in your opinion.

KIKO: Sure, but first let me clarify that I don’t want to shoot them. Shooting one would ruin it. I want to use a firearm to help collect them, which is illegal now.

Opihi is a type of small shellfish, a type of limpet to be precise, that is one of the most sought out delicacies in the world. The problem is they live in remote, rocky shores that get a lot of surf and big waves. Every year, people get hurt or killed trying to pry them off rocks. That gives you an idea of how good they are.

A long time ago when a market for them started, Hawaiians would harvest close to 150,000 pounds annually. Last year there was less than 10,000 pounds commercially available island-wide.

WILCOX: Wow.

KIKO: Yeah, now part of that, as the greenies will tell you, is a depletion in stock, but a big part of it is also how dangerous harvesting them is. You’re standing in swirling surf, on slippery, jagged rocks trying to pry half-dollar sized shellfish off a rock with a knife as waves pound you in the head. It’s a nightmare!

My wife and I love opihi and we were concerned about not being able to buy them one day. We did a little brainstorming and testing with things around the house and came up with this method. I have a video if you’d like to see what I’m proposing.

WILCOX: Sure, Let’s take a look.

[WILCOX AND KIKO WATCH HARVESTING VIDEO]

WILCOX: Good stuff Balen. Was that a .22?

KIKO: Yeah, I think anything larger would destroy too many, but I’m not saying it couldn’t be done with a larger caliber round. It’s just such a precise process, I mean as you could see, you have to be a pretty good shot to chip them off the rocks.

WILCOX: And was your wife using a pool skimmer?

KIKO: Yeah, our system requires two people, another thing that a lot of people don’t understand. A lot of people say that my proposal would make harvesting opihi even more dangerous because they only know what they’ve heard. As you could see, the way we do it requires a shooter and a catcher. Having another person there, and able to get help makes the process a lot less dangerous.

We found the pool skimmer to be perfect. The long handle allows the catcher to be far enough away from the rock to avoid flying fragments or ricochet, and it’s light enough that your arms won’t get burned-out after a day of shellfish shooting.

WILCOX: Now it looked like a lot of the opihi were still grabbing onto bits of rock when they fell off.

KIKO: Sure, you still have to do some additional cleaning and scraping when you get home but the most dangerous part, getting them off the rocks, is done in relative safety.

WILCOX: Have you shown this video before? I think it answers a lot of questions.

KIKO: I have, and it’s available on our website.

The problem is that most people have made their mind up already, and anytime you mention guns, as I’m sure you know, a certain percentage of people just shut down.

WILCOX: So that’s the main issue people have, the guns?

KIKO: That’s part of it. I expected that of course. There are some people that just won’t understand balancing on ocean rocks in the breakers and shooting small shellfish, while your partner tries to catch them with a net, no matter how clearly you explain it to them.

There’s also concern about people using old lead rounds which would be bad for fish and seabirds and destroying the rocks that the opihi live on. I understand the first issue, but I think the danger is grossly overstated. They stopped making lead ammunition many years ago, but the rock thing blows my mind. It’s like these people have never heard of erosion. Remember, these rocks are getting pounded all day every day by the ocean. Do you have any idea how many .22 rounds it would take to turn a big beach rock into rubble?

WILCOX: Around 75,000. We did it in episode 22. We had to pour water over the barrels they got so hot.

KIKO: That’s what I’m saying. You’re shooting a rock at most a dozen times when you’re collecting opihi, no way near enough to cause excess damage.

WILCOX: I see our time is almost up but I think you’ve made a great case for allowing a firearms harvest of opihi. How many signatures do you need and how many do you have?

KIKO: We need 81,435 to get the proposal on the ballot and we’re about a third of the way there after only 2 weeks, so we’re very hopeful. That said, people keep signing the name Burroughs and warning my wife not to balance any opihi on her head.

WILCOX: Right…Well, even though I’m allergic to shellfish, I’d be proud to sign your petition after the show. I think the fact that people are trying to stop the ballistic harvest of mollusks speaks volumes about where we’ve let ourselves go as a country. I wish you and your petition all the best.

KIKO: Thanks for the support, and allowing us to get the message out through this platform. I’m not just fighting for the right to shoot in the surf for you and me. I’m doing it for future generations. Thanks again!

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Offer Healthier Grab-and-Go Options

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New healthier options are on the shelves of every Big Bites store in Maui. The popular convenience store kicked off a partnership this week with the Department of Health’s “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. The initiative aims to give Hawaiians easier access to healthier food and beverage choices. Items that meet guidelines set by the department will be marked with a Healthy Hawaii label.

“One of the biggest hurdles for eating healthy is time. We’re all busy, running from place to place during the day, or trying to grab a bite 15 minutes before work. Usually, the only thing ready to eat that fast isn’t the best for you. Our goal, with the help of our partners, is to provide numerous fast, healthier options for busy Hawaiians,” says a Department of Health spokesperson.

Big Bites Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she is excited about the initiative. “Honestly, being able to create new foods and improve on old favorites is a lot of fun. When you couple that with helping people live healthier lives it’s a win-win situation.” Essen say that the stores will still “cater to carnivores,” allowing customers to grind their own sausage, and choose from the largest jerky and pickled meats selection anywhere on Maui, but now they will also have some healthier versions of customer favorites.

“We’ve tweaked the recipes to a number of items. Our energy mix now contains 30% less lardons, our foie gras chips are now fried in soybean oil, we’re offering a low sodium version of our famous candied corned beef bites, and we even have sugar free cracklin slushies to wash everything down. In addition, we’ve expanded the variety of items we wrap in bacon. We’re wrapping bacon around almost anything that grows now, to help our customers get all the fruits and vegetables they need during a busy day.”

Despite Essen’s enthusiasm not everyone is excited with the news that the Big Bites stores have been allowed to join the program. Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa, says the store’s products shouldn’t qualify for the program. “These items are in no way healthy. They are just healthier than the delivery systems of fat, salt, sugar, and preservatives that pass for the normal fare at the Big Bites stores. Unfortunately that’s all you need to qualify. I’ve made healthy living my life’s work. I was hired as a consultant when the government began this program last year so it’s very personal to me. Despite his reputation, Abramo doesn’t scare me. He knows that his food is dangerous and shouldn’t be included in the initiative. If I have any advice to people looking for healthy food in a Big Bites store it would be to run and keep running. Be active and make common sense food choices, like avoiding anything served at an Abramo business.”

Unsurprisingly, Big Bites owner Bob Abramo says that his products meet all guidelines for the program, and are in no way dangerous or unhealthy to eat. He says that he is simply offering nontraditional health foods to his customers and any complaints about his stores participation can be attributed to misunderstanding and jealousy .

“Hoomau is just upset that his classes are as empty as his plates, while I run the most successful meatery the island has ever seen. I will say that I am a bit surprised that he and his fellow grass drinkers had the energy to critique my business. It takes guts to take me on. Unfortunately for “Chef” Craig, I’m an expert in guts. I work with them everyday and I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. If Hoomau doesn’t want to find himself served up on a platter, he should focus on his own survival and not concern himself with my stores. I provide food for the top of the food chain, not for the things that run away. I suggest that Hoomau take his foamer, his plate brush, and his anemic ideas home before he bites off more than he can chew. There’s a pecking order on the island and Craig needs to understand that he’s been lucky so far. I didn’t know who he was until he started to squeal. Now that he’s put himself in my sights, it’s only a matter of time before I put him on my menu.”

STORYLINE

Worldwide SSHAM Shortage Causes Panic In Lahaina

SSHAM fans across the globe are scrambling to stock up on the popular processed meat product as a strike threatens to cut a quarter of the world’s supply of salty shrimp goodness in a can. Workers at the company’s flagship processing plant in Lahaina are embroiled in a dispute over automation that will displace 30% of the workforce. Production at the facility accounts for a whopping quarter of the canned meat’s production, and virtually all SSHAM in Hawaii, pumping out 75,000 cans a day.

The company claims that the upgrades to the factory are necessary to keep the business viable in the increasingly cutthroat world of canned meat production. CEO Art Pua’a says the overhaul is long overdue. “SHAWN, the company AI, already handles virtually all of our quality controls and customer interactions. We’re just making the improvements to the factory floor to put production in line with that part of the business. We have programs to help our employees who will be displaced and hope to come to an agreement with workers soon. I think we can all agree that none of us want Hawaiian kitchens to go SSHAM free.”

While the company and workers discuss the details, the island has gone into a full-fledged SSHAM panic. The price of SSHAM has skyrocketed as store shelves have been emptied of all varieties. A can of SSHAM that sells for an average of $4 can be found online for over $100. Rumors of international buyers purchasing huge lots of SSHAM flow like water across the island. In addition, a SSHAM black market has sprung up virtually overnight. The Lahaina Medical Center reports numerous cases of severe food poisoning from bathtub SSHAM and released a statement urging the public not to consume any canned meat that hasn’t been produced in an approved facility.

SSHAM panic hasn’t consumed everyone, however. Some businesses see the shortage as an opportunity. Abramo Holdings operations manager Brandi Essen says the situation has offered Big Bites stores an unusual revenue stream. While it is true that the meat themed convenience stores have suspended their SSHAM sales until the strike is over, Essen has figured out a way to still make money from the product’s popularity. “We’re letting people sit in a room with the largest SSHAM collection in Hawaii for a modest fee. I think it just makes people feel better about the whole situation,” she says.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Pua’a and the employees are just too far apart, we have yet to see peak SSHAM price. Until we do, we’re screening a special segment of our best customers and taking them to a secure refrigerated location where they can sit alone in a room with literally tons of SSHAM. It turns out that just knowing that there is still a mountain of SSHAM on the island is very therapeutic for those struggling with the thought of not having a slice in the morning or after work. We require customers to sign an NDA about the exact amount of SSHAM we have and its location, but our viewings are perfect for those caught up in the shortage panic.”

While just looking at a can may be good enough for some, many are counting on DIY solutions to make it through the impending shortage. There are plenty of recipes floating around purported to be leaked from striking workers. While officials warn the public to use safe food handling practices, numerous homemade SSHAM makers have run into trouble trying to recreate the smell, taste, and texture SSHAM is famous for. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is one such home cook who ran into trouble trying to make his own SSHAM.

“Everyone knows the story of how Art accidentally created SSHAM in his kitchen one drunken night, so I thought how hard can it be? Let me tell you something, food production is not for the faint of heart or belly. Probably the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to follow the directions precisely when trying to recreate a commercial food product. You know when you’re putting together a piece of furniture and lose a screw, you can just use a nail instead? That’s not how creating a shelf-stable canned meat works. You have to follow the instructions precisely. No substitutions.

My first mistake was using dried brine shrimp. I figured it was cheap and fine for my fish. I thought using the prepared cans would be better because it was fortified for my pets. I chose bacon next instead of ham because I thought the smoky flavor would be nice. I didn’t really measure out the binders and fillers like the recipe said, I just kind of eyeballed it. The color was a little off after blending but I thought it would change during cooking. I was wrong.

When it was done the smell was almost the same. Kind of like a mackerel stuffed with sausage and left on the dock during a hot afternoon, but it still didn’t look quite right. I cut a slice and could tell right away that something was wrong. It was very gelatinous and sticky but I thought maybe it was still a little too warm. I took a bite anyway and I didn’t think it was terrible. The next 48 hours, however, were a nightmare. It turns out fish food is not meant for human consumption. I ended up in the hospital for severe dehydration as my body tried to rid itself of even the memory of my SSHAM experiment. When I finally got back home I found my loaf had fused itself to the pan somehow and resisted even the most vigorous scraping, it was then that I fully appreciated what I had put my intestines through. I’m done with the whole DIY kitchen thing. I’ll just wait for the strike to end and leave the SSHAM to the experts.”

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Host “Beat The Heat” Sleepover Nights for Customers

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There’s no doubt that the unprecedented heat wave of the 40’s has caused plenty of problems across Maui. With 2046 on track to be the hottest year in recorded history, many are finding it hard to get a good night’s sleep through the sweltering heat. Chop House and Big Bites store owner Bob Abramo says he knows how uncomfortable many Lahaina residents are, and wants to help some of his most loyal customers get some much needed rest. That’s why he announced a “Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat” promotion lasting through the summer. Hundreds of lucky customers will get to spend a night in the air conditioned comfort of a Big Bites location near them, play games, enjoy free entertainment, and eat some meaty snacks, while they’re sitting cool.

Abramo says the idea came to him after listening to customers complain about the sticky nights, and the cost of air conditioning. “I had a customer offer me $20 to stand in the walk-in cooler for 15 mins,” Abramo says. “Even though it was a joke, like all humor, it had a ring of truth to it. I understand the importance of keeping meat properly cooled, and that includes my patrons. We sent out flyers to our best customers and asked them if they’d be interested in breaking out their sleeping bags, and letting us pay for the air conditioning for a night. The response was bigger than my famous long pig buffet. We had to extend the offer to all Big Bites locations to accommodate the hundreds who have signed up so far.”

Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she’s excited about the slumber parties, and that there’s plenty to do for the whole family.

“Everyone gets a complimentary overnight bag with: a pouch of jerky, your choice of either a delicious meat smoothie or a refreshing glass of Hamade, and discounts on all your favorite meat treats, including any of our 20 pickled meats, and our famous candied corned beef bites. We have pig-in-the-blanket sleeping bags for the kids, and tons of natural casing balloon animals for them to play with. There will be plenty of cool bedtime stories told in our walk-in coolers, and a free carnivore-friendly movie every night. I even hear that Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous pig, will make a number of appearances over the summer. I think it’s great that we can give back a little to our loyal customers, and I encourage everyone to RSVP before we run out of room and dates.”

While some seem interested in dealing with the unprecedented heat wave by camping out in their favorite convenience store, others are concerned that the temperature increases will continue without drastic action. While all the usual warming suspects are on the table, there is a growing concern about Veilcorp technology, the company’s use of 127, and its effect on the environment. Renewed calls for government intervention, and a ban on the controversial element have tied up government phone lines, and filled DLNR mailboxes.

Barraloha Instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center, and outspoken food sustainability activist Sebastion Malu says that there is no doubt that 127 is accelerating an already deadly warming trend. “127 is like gasoline on an already raging fire. The gasoline is bad, but the fire will still burn with, or without it.” Malu says Instead of focusing on 127 alone, people should acknowledge the root causes of climate change like animal agriculture, and the use of petrochemicals. He suggests boycotting Abramo companies, and anyone who does business with the “Maui Meat King.”

“The Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat atrocity is exactly the kind of rudimentary thinking, and understanding of natural cycles that we need to eliminate before we can move on to the next vibrational level as a species. Raising animals for consumption is murder not just for the animals, but for our planet and ourselves. Animal agriculture takes huge outlays of fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, feed, and water. It takes about 25 times more energy to produce one calorie of beef than it does to produce one calorie of corn. We need to be as mindful of the damage raising meat is doing to the planet, as the internal damage eating it can do to our bodies. We need to restore balance in our thinking and world by nourishing ourselves on nuts, nectars, sunlight, and all of the renewable natural gifts, not charred hunks of our differently designed animal partners.”

Abramo counters that he is not surprised by Malu’s call for a boycott, “The grass drinkers are always squawking about something, and Malu is the worst of them.” He adds, “Summer has always been about two things: staying cool and eating mounds of grilled meat. It’s not just healthy, and American, it’s the right thing to do. Malu and his followers say eating meat isn’t good or natural, which is ridiculous. If eating meat is so bad for you, why does it taste so good? Our bodies haven’t evolved to crave the delicious flesh of animals because it was dangerous. While Malu is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and perspiring in the sun, my customers and I will be keeping cool inside, and dabbing the meat sweats from our foreheads.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Infused “Turbo Ham” a Hit for Big Bites Stores

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Last month, one of Maui’s most famous business chains, Bob Abramo’s Big Bites convenience stores announced that it was partnering with Manimal, one of Lahaina’s most iconic brands, to offer one on the most unique energy products ever conceived, “Turbo Ham.” The energy drink company said that it had devised a way to infuse one of Hawaii’s favorite meats with its popular drink. Now Turbo ham is set to make its debut, exclusively at Big Bites stores starting next week. However, many are questioning the safety of the energy-infused meat, and the treatment of the animals used in the production process.

If the idea of eating a piece of Manimal laced ham sounds strange to you, you’re not alone. Since the company leaked a picture of Turbo Ham in its packaging, many believed it was a joke, or a publicity stunt. Even Manimal CEO Spencer Kane had his doubts about the product when it was first pitched, but after seeing how the process would work, and looking at sales predictions, he says he became a believer.

“Our product innovation team is second to none,” says Kane. “Like many I was skeptical when presented with the idea at first. I thought there was no way people would eat bright yellow or red ham, but then they explained that only the energy producing parts of Manimal would be infused into the meat, not the color. When they said we’d be partnering with Bob Abramo I was sold. Everyone knows that Bob is a meat genius. He is constantly pushing the envelope and our preconceived notions about lunch meat. With Manimal fueling that carnivorous creativity, I knew we’d come up with something special. I just didn’t know how special it would be. Turbo Ham is not your parents lunch meat. It’s the single greatest culinary innovation of our lifetime. Eat a couple of thin slices on a sandwich to help you get over that midday hump, or a big slab in the morning for all day energy. With Turbo Ham, our customers can finally eat and drink energy.”

Some however do not share Kane’s enthusiasm over Turbo Ham. Many remember last year’s partnership with SSHAM and all the problems surrounding SSHAM SLAM. The instability of the product left hundreds staring at a foul smelling slurry when they opened the can. The Manimal infused SSHAM was pulled off the shelf permanently only months after its debut.

In addition, there are serious questions surrounding the caffeine, turine, and guarana levels in the Manimal infused meat, and concerns over the treatment of the pigs used to make Turbo Ham. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has publicly denounced the product saying in a statement: “Force feeding pigs nothing but Manimal for 30 days is inhumane, and causes many substantial health and behavioral problems. Our investigation has uncovered numerous jittery, temperamental, and overstimulated animals, prone to fence climbing, extreme mud wallowing, and prolonged squealing. In some cases animals have been seen rolling excessively after a Manimal feeding or trying to do flips, something extremely dangerous to a 300lb+ animal. Therefore we must urge the public not to consume Turbo Ham, and call upon the appropriate government agencies to shut down this cruel operation.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC disputes the allegations of inhumane treatment, saying all Abramo farms comply with government regulations and are inspected regularly. She says that happy pigs make better tasting meat, and the pigs used to make Turbo Ham are among the happiest on the island. Essen claims that any behavioral changes in the pigs is due to the excess energy that a Manimal only diet provides. In addition, she says that the initial response over Turbo Ham has been so great that the company is planning on expanding into other Manimal charged products.

“Just like in people, Manimal gives these pigs some get-up-and-go, but I wouldn’t call running and jumping cruel. These pigs just have a little more pep than usual, which is exactly the point. There has to be a certain baseline level of Manimal in the animals for the infusion process to work correctly, and work it does! Turbo Ham is for anyone who’d like to chew their energy, and from the way the phone won’t stop ringing, that’s a lot of us. We’ve had so many people wanting to reserve a pack that our biggest concern right now is meeting demand.

In fact the demand has been so overwhelming that we’re already working on a new line of infused meat, Jerky Alert. While Turbo Ham keeps you powered all day, Jerky Alert is designed for those specific occasions you need just a little boost to help keep you awake. Whether you’re a student pulling an all-nighter for exams, a delivery driver working an extra shift, or a new parent exhausted from getting up all night, one bite of Jerky Alert can put you back in the game. It’s never been easier to eat yourself awake.”

STORYLINE

Bob Abramo to open “Big Bites” store in Lahaina

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Starting tomorrow Lahaina residents will have a big choice when it comes to convenience stores. The much anticipated grand opening of Bob Abramo’s “Big Bites” store is sure to bring in meat lovers and the curious from across the island. For weeks reports of the meat-centric convenience store and some of its unique products have captured the attention of locals and tourists alike. Abramo and Manager Brandi Essen gave us an exclusive tour of the store a day ahead of the opening and talked with us about Big Bites’ mission. It was a mouthful.

Well known for his commercials where he declared, “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition,” the local real estate entrepreneur branched out into the restaurant business last year when he opened Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores. It was a huge success. Banking on the positive response to the meatery, Abramo began making plans for a convenience store that would “cater to carnivores”. He says that Lahaina is just the first stop on a meat train that he plans to expand to all of Maui.

At first glance, the inside of Big Bites looks like any other convenience chain. Coolers on the back wall contain a variety of beverages. Racks of chips, pretzels, and other salty snacks face the front door, but that’s where the similarities end. “We have a few of the essentials that everyone goes to a convenience store for, but if you look closely you’ll see even those items have meat options,” says Essen.

She points out a package of bacon-scented wet naps, toothpicks made of jerky, and a case of brisket flavored soda. “Our goal is to fulfill all your meat snacking needs, even the ones you don’t know you have yet,” Abramo says that samples aren’t just offered at Big Bites, they’re required. “We want to help expand your meat horizons,” he says

Big Bites boasts that they will have the biggest variety of meat snacks and meat-related products anywhere on the islands, and from the looks of it, they might be right. 46 different flavors and cuts of jerky are displayed on the wall. 20 large glass containers provide all manner of pickled meats for the aficionado. The loose meat bin offers a little bit of everything if you’re feeling adventurous, but it’s the grinding stations that Abramo is most proud of.

On the South wall, 4 of the finest hand-cranked meat grinders are arranged. “Our grinding stations are open to anyone who wants to explore the wonderful world of charcuterie. We’ll even grind meat that you purchased somewhere else for a small fee, although I have no idea why you’d buy meat from anyone else. And don’t worry about bringing casings; we have everything you need. All of our staff are knowledgeable in the art of sausage making and can answer any questions you have, or help you get started.” Most people would think that making their own mettwurst at a convenience store was an odd idea, but Abramo’s not most people. The back of the store is where he really pushes the meat envelope.

He noticeably bristles when I ask about some of the novelty products and services available there. Essen quickly steps in, saying, “We don’t consider these novelties and stand behind the deliciousness of every product. Up until now, meat lovers have been put in a box and we’re just opening the lid.”

Some of the more unusual offerings here include: crispy duck piñatas, colorfully-marinaded-meats in artistic arrangements for special occasions, and a machine called the Meat Twister. For $10 a customer can stand inside the clear plastic box while compressed air circulates cold cuts around them for the grabbing. “The kids love that thing, and you get to eat what you can grab,” Abramo says with a smile.

“Our grand opening on Friday is just the next step in turning my food dreams into reality. I plan on spreading Big Bites across the islands like a luscious pâté. This isn’t just a store to me, it’s the start of a delicious meat movement.”