STORYLINE

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Re: “Meal Ticket” Episode 6 Show Notes and the Eric Oeming Incident

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Mr. Abramo,

I am new to the VNN family, but not to being a showrunner. However, In all my years in the industry, with dozens of successful programs under my belt, I have never received show notes like the ones I found on my desk this morning. I think you have vastly underestimated the liabilities you have raised, and the difficult position that you have placed me, the network, and yourself in.

Since the filming of episode 6 with Eric Oeming yesterday, my phone has not stopped ringing. I have had to bump emergency meetings, for more emergency meetings. As you know, we have had many high profile issues lately, and we can not afford another public incident. However, I am learning to lead with positivity, so let me address what we can partially agree on. The first part of your note states:

“VNN came to me with this development deal because you were hungry for locally produced content. At the very beginning, I informed you that I didn’t want to do anything demeaning or harmful to my brand. I wasn’t interested in doing anything rehashed, schlocky, or outdated. If I was going to put together a feast for the eyes of your viewers, it was going to be something I could be proud of in 20 years. I didn’t want to create something that I’d have to quickly change the channel when it came on. You promised me all of your resources, and complete autonomy, but I’m beginning to feel like you shorted my delivery. I don’t feel like you’re respecting my vision, and what I’m trying to cook up here.

“Meal Ticket”, isn’t just another reality dating show. It’s a chance for people to know that you really can have your steak and eat it too. It’s stories of love tragically lost, and found anew. It’s the dream of meeting someone under false pretenses, who has a lot of money, that you don’t necessarily dislike, and competing to marry them. Without our gentle nudge, many of these wealthy widows and widowers might spend the rest of their lives eating alone. This is about the hunt for life and love, an ancient play, performed against the backdrop of the finest chop house in the world, while a lavish dinner is served. New prospective dates arrive with each course, allowing viewers to see love, and a perfectly crafted meal progress before their eyes. Nobody has done anything this close to artistic perfection before, so why are you making substitutions to my recipe?”

While we do support the artistic vision of our show partners, I think you might have overestimated how much new ground your hidden camera dating show is breaking. My office is always open should you need anything. If you had only taken advantage of my open door policy, we might have avoided the nightmare we are currently in. You further write:

“This Eric Oeming episode should have been our best yet, but he was awful! I refuse to believe that it is too soon for the most famous man who has ever lived, to get back into the swing of things with a motivated young lady. There’s no way he should be single! It’s been over nine years since his family was killed in that explosion and his return to work. How long can you mourn? If anything, he should be thanking me. Instead, he’s so damn humorless that his lawyers are threatening to come after me for not getting a signed waiver to record him. They’re also going on with some nonsense about false pretenses and statements, as if lying to someone to include them in a reality show is a crime. He’s a public figure, I’m sure there are people lying to him all day long. This has been a great reminder to me that no good deed goes unpunished. If he and his team of lawyers wants a fight, that’s just what they’ll get! Bob Abramo is not one to be truffled with!”

I hardly know where to begin with this statement. I think you have misjudged how big your seat is at the table. In addition to being the most famous man who has ever lived, and one of the most beloved residents of Lahaina, Eric Oeming owns our parent company, do you know what that means? I won’t even get into the rumors about what happens to individuals who get on his wrong side, since the attack.

According to Oeming’s people he was told that he was being presented with something called the “Aloha Spirit” award for his lifetime of work promoting the love and ingenuity of the Hawaiian people. The only reason that he agreed to attend, is that his long-time friend “Uncle” Ralph Umeke was supposed to be presenting the award. Of course we both know this was a lie. Mr. Umeke personally told me, “I’d give up the noodle shop before I’d be involved with a monster like Abramo, and I’d never knowingly subject Eric to what amounts to a speed dating show about gold-diggers. It’s repugnant, and Abramo better hope I don’t see him walking down Front Street!”

Let me be clear, your conduct in this matter has been reprehensible. Beginning immediately, we are cancelling “Meal Ticket”. This episode, and all previously shot episodes, will never, ever air. We’re sending a team to your offices and restaurant to claim: all equipment, any copies you might have, any dailies, unused footage, and any promotional materials. I’ll remind you that we are allowed, under your contract, to go through: any personal accounts, cloud storage, computers, and physical files at your office, place of business, and home. In addition, we are: cancelling your Phxicom account, dropping your subscription to VNN network channels, cutting off your access to our chat bots and AI’s, and it’s my understanding that Lisa Hunt is beyond furious. I’m going to need you to come down to the offices this afternoon, so I can collect your badge and commissary card. I would suggest you spend the morning considering how you can mend fences, and think of a way to survive the wrath of Ms. Hunt. I’m afraid you’ve bitten off more than your fair share of trouble this time Mr. Abramo.

Jake Tripper
Vice President of Special Programming
VNN

STORYLINE

Vigil for Man Killed In Meat Grinder Accident Leaves Bad Taste In the Mouths of Many

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Lahaina residents are still reeling this morning from the accidental death of one of their own. 25-year-old prep cook Tony Paoa lost his life yesterday when he fell into a meat grinder, in front of a packed dining room at the Abramo Chop House. The accident has friends and family reeling, and they say a planned midnight vigil by Tony’s employer and Lahaina meat mogul “Big” Bob Abramo is not helping. Famous for his larger than life persona, the family says Abramo has gone too far with his plans to use the same grinder involved in the accident to sell half-priced burgers during the proposed memorial.

A frequent visitor to Lahaina, Spring Casey says she and her husband had just been seated for lunch and were watching Tony prepare the day’s burger. Part of the marketing campaign for the Chop House’s new foie gras triple SSHAM burger, employees grind hundreds of pounds of Bob’s Best Burger Blend in front of customers every afternoon. “I don’t really care to see a machine grind up meat, but Bret was really excited to have one of the new burgers and take in the whole spectacle,” Spring says.

The couple’s interest in seeing how their food was made soon turned to horror when Tony slipped from the top of the stool he was standing on and fell into the commercial grinder.

“It was awful. One second he was adding a container of short rib to the hopper and the next second he just fell in. We were all in shock, I didn’t even have time to scream before he was pulled in and bits of his apron started coming out. It seemed like it took forever for someone to shut it off. In the end, just his feet were sticking out the top. I just wanted to go, but they wouldn’t let us leave until we paid for our appetizers. It was terrible!”

Paoa’s friends and family say they are still trying to come to terms with Tony’s death and were traumatized again when the announcement about the midnight vigil was made. A portion of that announcement reads: “Like many of you, we are devastated by the loss of our bruddah Tony, but we know he would want the show and the grind to go on… We have thoroughly sanitized the machine in question and are offering half-priced burgers from midnight to dawn to celebrate his life and his commitment to prep work. Let the tears and juices run down your face… fill your heart with memories of our friend and your belly with the best burger on the planet.”

In addition to the poor optics of using the machine so soon after the accident, many have raised concerns about safety. However, Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that there is nothing illegal about the practice, even though it is “clearly in bad taste.” She says thousands are seriously injured or killed in kitchen accidents every year, and as long as the machine is thoroughly sanitized it is not a danger to the public.

“The truth of the matter is that there are over a half million commercial kitchen accidents every year. While most of these are minor, there is a significant number that turn out to be serious or even fatal. There is no doubt that you’ve eaten salad that has been chopped by a knife that has taken off the tip of a finger. You’ve had steaks prepared on grills that have burned off layers of skin, and might have even enjoyed a pickle made in a brining tank where someone drowned. As distasteful as it is, there isn’t anything illegal about using a grinder that killed someone as long as it is properly sanitized.”

For his part, Abramo says that he personally oversaw the cleaning of the grinder and thinks most of the pushback about the Chop House vigil is by people who didn’t know Tony or competitors trying to manufacture outrage.

“Tony was a part of our food family, and I know it must be killing him that he left such a terrible impression on our customers. As much as I hate to admit it, a good dining experience isn’t completely about the food. It’s about fun and atmosphere too. People don’t want to hear blood-curdling screams when enjoying a shrimp cocktail or watch a man being killed by a piece of commercial kitchen equipment while eating their soup.

We’re killing two birds with one stone, by giving Tony a do-over while we celebrate his life with the best burger anywhere at a substantially reduced cost. I personally know that Tony believed in every one of the 2730 calories inside our new foie gras triple SSHAM burger.
Some may think being ground alive in front of a horrified audience is a terrible way to go, but those of us who worked with Tony know he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Well…maybe being boiled alive in bone broth or bleeding out from a deep cut from the rib saw, but definitely in our kitchen. It was his home, and we’re going to have one last discounted home-cooked meal in his memory.”

STORYLINE

Chop House Creates Club Offering Weight-Based Pricing

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Bob Abramo has never been one to shy away from controversy, but a new promotion at his world-famous Chop House has many raising their eyebrows and loosening their belts. The recently unveiled Kahuna Club offers customers weight-based pricing on all their meals ranging from discounted drinks to complimentary appetizers and even free entrees for the restaurant’s largest patrons. Health advocates claim that the program glorifies an unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits, while Abramo says he’s just trying to reward good customers and celebrate the joys of living a big life.

You might notice that more than just the portion sizes are getting bigger at Lahaina’s iconic Abramo Chop House these days thanks to the restaurant’s new Kahuna Club. Customers who join are measured and weighed to obtain their BMI and determine if they’re eligible. Four tiers offer various levels of benefits. A BMI of 30, considered to be the baseline for obesity, is the minimum required to join the club and provides a discount on all drinks. The Big Kahuna’s, those with a BMI of 60+, enjoy the top spot in the club and can enjoy a free meal every day.

Despite criticisms, the restaurant says the program has been a big success with bookings going up over 30% since the club was announced. “We’re bursting at the seams,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She claims that the club was created to reward a group of people who are rarely given the recognition they deserve.

“The more you weigh, the less you’ll pay. The Kahuna Club is our way of rewarding some of our biggest and best customers. More than most, Bob understands what it means to live large and we’re just trying to celebrate those who understand that food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The Chop House has always been a judgement, vegetarian, and booth free environment. We commissioned custom club chairs made from local koa wood and the same carbon fiber technology used in Kalani Custom Boards. These seats can handle our biggest customers as well as a tsunami but we decided that wasn’t enough. We want to acknowledge those big eaters who’ve helped us stay in business for so long and give them the credit and discounts they deserve. We’re putting the fun back into the words fat-free.”

Unsurprisingly many health and lifestyle advocates have condemned the club since the announcement and say that promoting unhealthy eating is reckless and ultimately damaging to those in the club. “It sends a terrible message and offers no vegetarian options on the discounted menu,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Life is about balance and green vegetables, both of which are sorely lacking in these people’s lives. To celebrate the tainting of the spirit with buffets and piles of grilled meats is anathema to me. Instead of discounts, these people need phytonutrients and a thorough gastro-attunement to teach their cells to reject the evils of trans fats and embrace a complete tonal supplement regime. This celebration of excess needs to stop.”

“Instead of telling these people they need to change we should be celebrating their taste,” says Chop House owner Bob Abramo adding, “Trust me. These are the people you’d want to keep close in an emergency.”

“Almost as much as a piece of perfectly smoked pork, I appreciate excellence, and that’s what I see in the members of the Kahuna Club. These people are experts when it comes to finding and enjoying great meals. They say that mastery of an activity comes after 10,000 hours. I don’t know how many hours these Big Kahunas have spent eating but I can ensure you that they are enjoying at least 10,000 calories a day thanks in part to our club. Historically, these people used to be revered. This fascination with “healthy” eating has been a relatively new fad, and one I hope to chew up and spit out.

There are a lot of lightweights out there saying that joining the Kahuna Club is the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter. Not only is that incredibly offensive, but it’s just not medically true. We live in an amazing time where many of the diseases that once affected those living a food-forward lifestyle can be easily cured. Advanced stem cell therapy, tailored DNA technology, and cutting-edge tissue science allow us to live a completely meat-centric existence. These people aren’t misguided, they are at the bleeding edge of life. We want to help them get out there and devour everything the world has to offer.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Company Unveils Natural Casing Wrapping Paper Just In Time For the Holidays

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There’s good news for everyone with a meat lover or someone who appreciates the unusual on their shopping list this holiday season. A new all-natural alternative to wrapping paper is available for your gifts this year, festive sausage casing sheets. The brainchild of Lahaina meat-mogul “Big” Bob Abramo, the unconventional present wrapping went on sale this morning at all Big Bites locations, as well as the Chop House. Bob says the gift casings are a more ecologically friendly way to package your gifts, and are 100% natural and delicious.

It seems like every year there’s a new “It” gift that everyone is scrambling to buy, but Abramo hopes this year it’s what’s around your present that will get all of the attention. While some may cringe at the idea of decorating a gift for a love one with a product derived from animal intestines, Bob says his casing sheets are the future of gift giving, and are better for the environment than traditional paper.

Brandi Essen, spokesperson for Abramo Holdings says, “Unlike some companies that just go through the motions during the holidays, we continue to chew away at our goals and new innovations. This sustainable wrapping alternative is proof of our hard work, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

“Whether it’s riding at the forefront of tire technology, tackling the hunger problem with innovative outreach programs, or breaking new ground with our 100% natural, grass-fed medical valves and grafting tissues, Abramo Holdings has been a leader in meat-based technologies. Our wrapping casings come in four different colorful patterns, have a shelf life of up to two years, and are as tasty as they are festive.”

Despite Essen’s words many do not share her enthusiasm about the curious Christmas wrapping. Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health says the new product has the potential to be a “holiday horror story.”

“Not to be overly graphic, but we’re talking about wrapping a gift in a product made from pig guts, and sticking it under a tree for several days. You wouldn’t eat a sausage that had been left out that long because common sense would tell you that it’s no good. This is no different. I mean just touching it would be bad enough, but they are encouraging consumers to use the wrapping in meals later on. I know it comes with safe handling guidelines, but if you ask me the risk is not worth the reward in this case. I envision a lot of people running to the bathroom or the hospital this holiday season. If I had one tip for not getting sick this year, it would be to stay far away from Abramo wrapping casings, and just stick to traditional paper.”

Abramo on the other hand is quick to point out that his product follows all food safety guidelines, and comes with strict handling instructions, as well as 12 of his favorite sausage recipes, one for every day of Christmas. Bob says his casing sheets are not only a giant leap forward in food science, but also a big step in green technology.

“With our new casings you can really smell Christmas in the air. We’ve figured out how to “zip” and “unzip” proteins in natural sausage casings to produce sheets like you can with synthetic alternatives, and we only use 100% natural dyes and colorings. Our new gift wrapping has the flexibility of collagen sheets, however one taste lets you know that it isn’t manmade, but comes straight from the belly of a beast. Finally, that family member who always insists on saving the paper from their presents has a good reason to. The truth of the matter is that Americans use over 60 million tons of wrapping paper every year, spending over $8 billion annually. Most of that paper gets thrown away, and that model is unsustainable. Our product aims to take a big bite out of that pile of discarded paper, and you get the bonus of a great tasting sausage at the end. Our present casings are the best thing to happen to gifts, and Christmas dinner in years!”

STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

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The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Celebrates Reality Star Malie Kahiko’s 111th Birthday

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Malie Kahiko, one of Lahaina’s favorite daughters, is celebrating her 111th birthday today and visitors and residents alike are helping her celebrate. The popular star of the online series, “Malie’s List”, says that she appreciates all the well wishers and says she doesn’t plan on doing anything special to celebrate her birthday. “After 100, every day is just another day,” she says. Kahiko credits her long life to “genetics, a bit of luck, and trying everything at least once.”

When Malie Kahiko was born, the federal government had just raised the minimum wage to 40 cents, Germany had annexed Austria, oil was newly discovered in Saudi Arabia, and a man named Howard Hughes set a new “round-the-world” record of 3 days, 19 hours. A lot can change in a lifetime, especially a lifetime that lasts over a century. Malie says that veil travel and ceremplant technology are at the top of her list of amazing developments during her long life.

In addition to her longevity, it’s lists that have pushed her into the spotlight, but according to Malie, that was never the plan. “To be honest I never planned or even wanted all this recognition. I started going through my bucket list when I turned 88. It took me 10 years to get through the whole thing. I never imagined I’d actually get through it. Then I spent a year doing things I sorta wanted to do, and made it to the end of that list too. I was 99, I had done everything I ever dreamed of doing. I had buried 3 husbands, a couple children and a grandchild. All of my old friends were long gone and I was honestly struggling to figure out what to do with myself. Some of my great-grandkids suggested I finally get a ceremplant. I’ve never been a big fan of that sort of thing, but they said it’d be easy to use and it’d give me people to talk to. They couldn’t have been more right. I started telling people about my life and my bucket list. Everyday it seemed like a dozen more would message me and before you know it I had my own channel. On my 100th birthday someone said they really wanted to go cliff diving but always chickened out at the last minute, so I said I’d give it a try for them. I figured it might be fun and if it went bad….well I’d get to see my friends again. That was the beginning of the series.”

Malie’s List sees Kahiko scratch off items from viewer’s bucket lists, and has made her one of the most recognized faces in Lahaina. Along with her black mobility scooter Betty, she has spent the past 10 years traveling the world and completing over 250 viewer suggested tasks. Malie has: scooted with the bulls, shuffled off the top of waterfalls, dived with sharks, helped tag the Duracave elephant herd, been hoisted up a sheer cliff face, and even sailed through a hurricane. Surprisingly, Kahiko says she doesn’t see herself as a daredevil, “I’m just a lady who has lived so long that I figure there’s nothing to lose anymore. I go to the Abramo Chop House at least 3 times a week and always eat as much as I can from the Long Pig Buffet, despite what my doctor says. If there’s no lifeguard on duty, I love wading into the surf during a good storm. there’s nothing more beautiful than watching the lightning in the breaking waves. I try not to let anything slow me down. If Betty can get me there, I’m up for it.”

Malie says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with all the cards and gifts she’s got so far. She even received a prototype wrist device that interfaces with her implant. “To be honest, I’m not sure of everything this thing does. They’re supposed to be sending a tech over to explain it to me. All I know is that it monitors my health and they said it will help protect me from any major injury. I just like the way it looks, even if it does chafe my arm a little. I’d say they need to make the next one a bit more comfortable.” A Reparre spokesperson said they were thrilled to be able to provide Kahiko with the company’s latest technology but could not comment on the device’s specifics.

Inventor Ano Lee, one of Malie’s most diehard fans, gave Betty some upgrades this year as a birthday gift. “I never miss an episode of Malie’s List. I know that there are a few things she can’t do because of Betty’s limitations and I wanted to change that. She inspires so many with her show that it inspired me. Most mobility scooters have less than 2 hp and a top speed of around 8 mph on pavement. I thought I could do a lot better than that, and I was right. After a little power rerouting and tinkering, we got Betty to hit 35 mph on the sand. I figure she’ll go at least 50 mph on the road. We lifted the body, added better stabilization controls, and synthetic all-terrain tires. Now she’ll be able to cross all the deserts and jump all the buses she wants. We added a flash freezing unit to the basket to keep her drinks cold, speakers, a 120 decibel dual air horn system to let people know she’s coming, and a hula girl bobblehead on the handles, to help her remember her home no matter where she is. I hope these modifications last her another 111 years.”

Kahiko says she’s overwhelmed by all the kind words and amazed at Betty’s upgrades. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all, someone gives you a souped up scooter with heat resistant tires. I can’t wait to go volcano exploring while listening to Benny Goodman.”

STORYLINE

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

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With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

STORYLINE

Raccoons Drunk On Fermented Pineapple Cause Rabies Scare In Lahaina

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Lahaina residents can breathe easier today after The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) announced that over a dozen raccoons suspected of being rabid have tested negative for the disease. Over the past month, hundreds of calls were placed to officials from concerned citizens about overly aggressive raccoons in Lahaina neighborhoods, and even some stumbling down the middle of Front street. However, tests now confirm that the animals weren’t infected by the deadly virus, but were instead drunk from eating fermented pineapple.

It seems that wherever you go in Lahaina these days you’ll eventually run across an abandoned box of pineapple. With their automated pineapple picking drones, Ananas Farms brought back a booming pineapple industry to Maui and the future of the farm looked great. However, trouble began a few months ago, when the farm announced an exclusive partnership with Alohagistics to distribute Ananas fruit. The move was supposed to provide residents with cheaper pineapple at the peak of ripeness. Unfortunately, critic’s concerns about a service that relies heavily on volunteer crowd-sourced employees, have turned out to be right. Abandoned Alohagistics boxes filled with rotting pineapple have caused issues with flies, terrible smells, and now, drunk raccoons.

Ano Lee, famed inventor and part owner of Ananas Farm, says his company has been maligned unfairly, and the DLNR is responsible for the raccoons in the first place.

“I understand that nobody wants to see or smell a box filled with twenty pounds of rotting pineapple, except the flies and raccoons I guess, but people are acting like it’s a major public health issue or something. I mean it’s just fruit that’s gone bad. Everyone has found an old forgotten banana of orange in their fridge at some point. It’s not a big deal. The real problem here is the raccoons. The DLNR program that brought them here has obviously failed because they’re out getting hammered instead of eating invasive crayfish like they’re supposed to. You can’t blame them really. You bring anything to Maui from someplace else, and it’s going to get hammered on fruit drinks eventually. Why should the raccoons be any different than the tourists?”

DLNR spokesperson Greg Iona, says that officers are doing everything they can to humanely capture the raccoons, but says the organization is hampered by budget concerns. “I think it’s clear that our limited raccoon release program to combat the invasive Red Swamp Crayfish hasn’t worked as well as we had hoped. At the time it seemed like a natural addition to our “Eat The Pests” campaign. Unfortunately, as we all know a few raccoons escaped, and despite our best efforts, there is now a thriving population. We simply don’t have the money or manpower at this point to fully eradicate the animals. However, if the public follows some of our simple guidelines such as not feeding pets outside, and always covering trash, we can go a long way to combating the problem. Obviously, leaving what amounts to be an open bar for them laying around is not something we endorse. Clearly, these companies need to held accountable. Luckily, the raccoons turned out to be angry drunks in this case and not rabid. We continue to urge the public not to try and capture any animal acting strangely. Call us instead.”

Despite Iona’s warning about interacting with the raccoons, many business owners say they have no choice but to trap the pests themselves. Some have been forced to hire pest removal or wildlife relocation services to combat the nightly wave of hungry bandits. While most are still angry about the raccoons, and the recent rabies scare, at least one business owner says he feels more sympathy for the animals now. One of the loudest voices in Lahaina, Bob Abramo, says he understands the plight of the masked mammals.

“Look, I’m no ring tail lover believe me. I don’t really see the point of most animals unless they’re delicious or can fetch to be honest. But now that I know that many of them were just drunk, and looking for a quality meal, things are different. There are dozens upon dozens of eateries in Lahaina, but none of them have had the problems with raccoons that we’ve had at the Chop House. There were many nights that the cooks would have to put on oven mitts, triple-up their aprons like armor, and grab the sturdiest pan they could find before running the trash panda gauntlet on the way to the dumpster. The chittering hordes were too much for a lot of them, and we lost some good dishwashers when the rabies scare started. But everyone can relate to the drunken munchies. All you want is to sink your teeth into your favorite food, and that’s what these things were doing. Not only do we have the most delectable dishes in town, we also have the tastiest garbage. Our alley full of raccoons every night proves it. I feel honored that even something as simple as a raccoon can recognize the Abramo quality that my customers have come to expect. I still hate them of course, and would be dishing out bowls full of raccoon stew if they were even remotely palatable, but I have a little more respect for them now.”