Good Morninng SSB&P employees! I’d like to welcome everyone who decided to renew their commitment to our company yesterday during the turmoil. I’m in awe of your enthusiasm and dedication. The transition team and I look forward to working with each and every one of you. We are going to have to be extremely agile as an organization at this critical time, but I promise to communicate the decisions we make as soon as possible. The new org chart will be on display in the mezzanine for all to see and will be updated in real time as the situation dictates.
In other good news Phil and the janitorial crew have pushed Brian and the mailroom traitors to the floors below street level. All employees should now have unfettered access to the main lobby. More than ever it’s important that everyone in the building embrace SSB&P’s new core values. We need to recreate a world where each of us can flourish while exploring new revenue streams and protecting all the building’s entrances. Now that the housecleaning has been addressed, let me move on to the rebuilding part. Despite the mailroom machinations, we’ve put together an exciting plan! If this really is the apocalypse you should consider Phil and I the two-headed beast of opportunity. Here’s an outline of our immediate action items.
Litigation: Do I plan on suing Veilcorp? I’m a graduate of Harvard Law, of course I do. While It may seem like the obviousness of this revenue stream would dilute any recovery we receive, it was decided that it should be pursued anyway. This decision has been bolstered with the news of how far reaching this calamity has gone and as the body count has continued to grow. It is our belief that SSB&P might end up being one of the last law firms which means we will be able to cherry-pick clients. When whatever passes as a governing body reestablishes control we will demand a speedy hearing.
Schrödinger’s Cash: There has been a lot of back and forth on this one. In the end, It was very important to Phil that we pursue this program. We will be filling numerous boxes with photocopied money and sending it from the main transport hub around the corner, to the veil station downtown. It is Phil’s hope that during the transport process probability will intervene and replace our boxes with boxes of real money. If Phil is right, he’s a hero. If he’s wrong, he’s the large man who serves as a shield against looters and Brian.
Transdimensional Synergy: If you like adventure, want to be guaranteed a management position, or just figure “This will look great on my resume!” our interdimensional innovator program is a great opportunity . Every morning we’ll send two volunteers through the gateway with a bag full of contracts, cease and desist letters, and other various legal documents. Explore strange new worlds, make deals with interesting people, and threaten to sue them. Obtain legal rights to otherworldly intellectual property and recruit their best and brightest. It is important that we spread the SSB&P message as far as we can. In addition to moving up the org chart all employees able to return to this dimension with signed paperwork will receive one of the remaining chocolate muffins in the cafeteria while supplies last.
I won’t lie to you and say that the days forward are going to be easy, but we made it through the first together. With your help and the guidance of the transition committee, I’m confident that we’ll make it through many more. The outside world may be a catastrophe right now, but things are looking pretty good in here. Let’s lean in to this challenge together and come out better on the other side, wherever that may be. I truly believe that the opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!
Kurt Bickley
Acting President & CEO Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners
