Manimal Light Makes Its Debut Despite Criticisms

Refreshment fans, hydration enthusiasts, and the curious alike, were lined up outside the Lahainaluna Road Big Bites store this morning, in anticipation of the debut of the first new Manimal product in almost four years. The company has been promoting Manimal Light as a “breakthrough in exhilaration, offering the same reinvigorating properties of regular Manimal, with 99.9% less calories.” However, many are calling the new formula a marketing scheme, and contend that Manimal Light is nothing but a can of hot air.

According to the promotional material, “Manimal Light is the culmination of years of hydration and energy science. Proven to be just as invigorating as 2 cups of coffee, in a paid, single-blind test, conducted on people who had just enjoyed a Manimal, Manimal Light is designed for everyone forced to cage their inner-Manimals for 8 hours a day at work. Whether you’re sitting in a cubicle, scanning barcodes, or stuck in a conference room, Manimal Light won’t hold you down with excess calories. Light your fuse with Manimal Light, and smolder until you’re ready to rage again.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product by fans, and the claims in the company advertisements, many are saying Manimal Light is nothing more than a marketing scheme. “It’s nothing more than a can of air with a tiny bit of Manimal atomized inside,” says Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, one of the new product’s most vocal critics.

“Back in the 1990’s oxygen bars began to popup all over the place. The thought was you could breathe scented, oxygen rich air to boost your health and well being. They made claims that it would enhance your immune system, increase your energy, and stave off headaches and hangovers. It was complete rubbish of course, just like Manimal Light. I mean, it says right on the can that it has to be kept at room temperature or above, so the Manimal stays a mist, and doesn’t revert back to a tiny bit of liquid at the bottom. Manimal Light isn’t lighter than air, it is air! I thought that “lurchin” was the stupidest thing I’d ever see someone do, but I was wrong. Paying money to smell what amounts to a mostly empty can of Manimal has to take the prize.”

Manimal says that the new product is simply the natural culmination of aromatherapy and refreshment science. The company points out that air stations have been available for people on the go in many cities like Tokyo, Beijing, and Mexico City for years. They claim that Manimal light is simply a less intense version of the Manimal their customers have grown to love, “perfect for work, wedding ceremonies, funerals, and other solemn occasions.” The company claims that inhaling one can of Manimal Light every morning has been shown to reduce inflammation of the lungs, and reduce the effects of asthma; a claim that every health and medical expert we contacted vigorously refuted.

In a press conference yesterday, Spencer Kane, company CEO and Manimal founder, said he was “super stoked” about including a new low-calorie option to the product line.

“Manimal Light has the same great smell as regular Manimal with 99.9% less calories. It’s like the smell of your morning cup of coffee, if that smell could slap you across the face, and fill you with the energy you need to make it through a day’s worth of boring meetings. More refined than Manimal Spray, the vaporized mist inside every can invigorates you on a molecular level. Look, everyone knows that West Maui has some of the best air in the world. That’s why we bottle every can right here in Lahaina. We’ve reversed exhaust fan 23 at our main bottling facility, long known as our most efficient from maintenance logs, to pull in that magical aloha air. Bottled at the source, and infused with the same Mainmal you’ve come to count on in when things get serious, Manimal Light will add to your energy and spirits, not your waistline.”