All of Lahaina is buzzing with anticipation this week, as the Manimal bottling facility is set to bottle the 100 billionth can of Manimal. 14 years ago the first can of Manimal was produced in a small West Maui plant, with the hopes and dreams of less than a dozen employees riding on the cans of liquid energy. “We tried using my friend Jeff’s garage for storing excess inventory at first, but it wasn’t long until there wasn’t room for his car anymore. It was a mess. The rest, as they say, is history. As long as nothing crazy happens, the 100 billionth can should roll down the line early Thursday,” says Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Now one of the largest energy drink companies in the world, Manimal says they want to not only pay respect to where it all started, but also embark on what may be the largest, and most expensive marketing campaign ever conceived.
“We had a good idea, a little money, and this tiny bottling facility with an awesome half-pipe out back. We probably should have had a better business plan at first, but we figured that stuff would work itself out, as long as people loved what we were making. Luckily, we were right. Manimal’s extreme recipe was a perfect match for athletes who were sick of being only partially invigorated by their beverages. We shot for full power right away, and it showed. Honestly, one of our biggest breaks was a local up-and-coming surfer who really loved our product. One day we talked about a sponsorship deal while paddling out in the morning. We wrote something up on a napkin on the beach that afternoon. Layla Kalani turned into one of the greatest surfers to ever live, and a pretty good spokeswoman too. We owe her, and all of our customers a lot, that’s why we announced our “We Quenched the World” campaign to coincide with the celebration. We’re going to literally give a Manimal to everyone,”says Kane.
A multiple time world champion, Kalani says she’s proud at how far she and Manimal have come together, and like the rest of her friends, she can’t wait for the milestone can. “Whether I’m punching a nosy shark in the face, starring in the summer’s hottest movie, or just trying to get a little boost between waves, I always have a Manimal within reach.” Like many others, Kalani says she will attend the company’s sponsored party on Front Street Thursday, but also plans on a more intimate celebration with friends and family later in the day. “My family and I have a special connection with Manimal. I think of Spencer as a brother, and we’ve had quite a journey together. We’re going to wrap the day up with a little food, a climbing wall, and some midnight surfing.”
The upcoming celebration has not been without complications however. Since announcing their ostentatious goal of giving a Manimal to every person on the planet, the “We Quenched the World” preregistration lines have been fraught with outages, and in some cases day-long hold times. With questions about logistics and costs, many industry insiders say Kane’s campaign can’t possibly succeed. Brian Leets of Pacific Investment Advisers says he’s never seen anything so reckless in his time as an analyst. “It’s not just bad, it’s corporate suicide. If they somehow survive the initial costs, they’ll be trying to pay off the debt for decades. I’m changing my rating for Manimal from a ‘strong buy’ to ‘dump immediately and avoid at all costs.’”
Nonetheless, Kane says he’s not concerned, adding that Leets, “Has never been barrelled in his life, and wouldn’t know a Fakie 720 Quadruple Kickflip Sexchange, from a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip, let alone an excellent idea when he heard it.” He says that a year is plenty of time to get a can in everyone’s hand, and he’s not worried about the costs.
“It all started when I was told that 100 billion cans was more than enough to give everyone on the planet multiple Manimals. That blew me away! I knew that many of those cans were made before we figured this whole giant company thing out, but we’ve been on point with everything for a few years now. There was no reason we couldn’t literally give everyone who exists a Manimal within a year. That’s the goal, and I’m confident we’ll do it. We hired a couple dozen extra temps to cover the phones, but it totally wasn’t enough as it turns out. I had no idea that people would be so eager to provide their info so early on. We’re making some changes to fix the registration process: automating some things, setting up phone banks, and trying to get some better hold music going on. I ask the public to bear with us while we work out the kinks.”
While it’s one thing to compile a list of addresses, and put a can in the mail, it’s quite another to make a delivery in the world’s more far-flung and remote destinations. However, Kane seems undaunted by the task, saying the company is working closely with many different governments and Veilcorp, and will employ a small army of distribution specialists.
“We’ve been in talks with virtually every government to get a list of all their citizens already, and with the help of Veilcorp’s travel associates, we’ve got 99% of the world covered. Veilcorp has been sending people and stuff all over the world for many years now. They have a killer transportation network, and partners who can get almost anything, anywhere. For the remaining 1% we’re calling in our own distribution specialists who know how to operate under extreme conditions. We have the world’s best deep sea divers to deliver to scientists working in aqualabs in every ocean. There are teams of the most talented free climbers around, with backpacks full of Manimal, climbing cliffs around remote monasteries, and others seeking solitude in the mountains. For everything in between, we have the best drone and helicopter pilots money can buy, scanning the deserts, plains, and forests of the world. We’re probably going to find people who’ve never even seen a surfboard or a proper running shoe, but when we’re done, they’ll know about liquid energy in a can. For 14 years Manimal has been slaying thirst and supercharging achievement. This is an awesome undertaking. Luckily, we know a little something about awesome. We’ve put it in a can about 100 billion times already.”
